Bertahanlah, Haniyya.

Bertahanlah, Haniyya. Bertahan.

Jangan menangis.
Jangan juga berhenti.

Allah ada. Dan Allah Maha Kuasa.
Allah ada. Dan Allah Maha Penyayang.

CLEAN

The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst
It was months, and months of back and forth
You're still all over me like I wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore
Hung my head, as I lost the war, and the sky turn black like a perfect storm

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you,

I think I'm finally clean.

There was nothing left to do
And the butterflies turned to dust they covered my whole room
So I punched a hole in the roof
Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean
Said, I think I am finally clean

10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it
10 months older I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it
The drought was the very worst
When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean

- Taylor Swift

Bukan menolak,

hujan perlu tahu.

Salju Gurun (1998)

Di hamparan gurun yang seragam, jangan lagi menjadi butiran pasir. Sekalipun nyaman engkau di tengah himpitan sesamamu, tak akan ada yang tahu jika kau melayang hilang.

Di lingkungan yang serba serupa, untuk apa lagi menjadi kaktus. Sekalipun hijau warnamu, engkau tersebar di mana-mana. Tak ada yang menangis rindu jika kau mati layu.

Di lansekap gurun yang mahaluas, lebih baik idak menjadi oase. Sekalipin rasanya kau sendiri, burung yang tinggi akan melihat kembaranmu di sana-sini.

Di tengah gurun yang tertebaj, jadilah salju yang abadi. Embun pagi tak akan kalahkan dinginmu, angin malam akan menggigil ketika melewatimu, oase akan jengah, dan kaktus terperangah. Semua butir pasir akan tahu jika kau pergi, atau sekadar bergerak dua inci.

Dan setiap senti gurun akan terinspirasi karena kau berani beku dalam neraka, kau berani putih meski sendiri, karena kau .. berbeda.

- Filosofi Kopi, Dewi Lestari

I remember.

Hai Ketua,
ini gue. Orang yang lo perlakukan lebih keras dari orang-orang lain.
Dan orang yang juga lo perlakukan dengan lebih lembut dari orang-orang lain, mungkin.

Ini akan jadi tulisan abstrak yang ngga berpola. But well, harus diakui ini mirip seperti realitanya: ngga begitu jelas. Samar-samar.

Ada hal-hal yang kadang kita terlalu gengsi, terlalu berat untuk diungkapkan-akibat terlalu banyak berpikir dan khawatir. Tapi kata-kata yang ngga bisa diungkapkan itu, bisa terbaca lewat sorot mata. Dan sorot mata adalah penyampai pesan yang efektif, kalau kita percaya. Sadar atau tidak, your messages have always been delivered. Entah itu pesan negatif maupun positif.

Ada hal-hal yang juga kadang cuma bisa dilakukan, tanpa pernah dikatakan, selamanya. Tapi percayalah bahwa perbuatan adalah kata-kata paling magis yang bisa mengubah dan menyentuh seseorang.

Gue ingat, akan selalu ingat ..
Malam di saat lo bilang Hany, lo itu keras. Jangan salahkan gue kalau semua orang harus menyerah menghadapi lo. Termasuk gue. sementara gue mematung dan berpikir-pikir.
Gue masih merenung-renung sampai lo menyampaikan bagian paling menusuknya Tahu kenapa? Itu karena lo ngga mau belajar dari orang.

Iya, gue tahu lo sudah sangat-amat sabar. Gue tahu lo sudah amat-sangat berusaha memperlakukan semua orang-termasuk gue, dengan cara terbaik. Dan gue tahu lo sudah amat-sangat berusaha memutuskan hal-hal dalam hidup lo dengan pertimbangan-pertimbangan terbaik. Gue paham, gue tahu, gue sadar, meski gue menyatakan dalam diam.

Dan sedikitpun, Ketua, gue ngga menyalahkan lo yang pada akhirnya menyerah menghadapi gue.
Sedikitpun tidak menyalahkan pernyataan Lo mau ngomong apa, Han? Ada yang mau lo omongin khan? Gue tahu. yang berubah menjadi Terserah lo deh, Han. Iya, Hany khan selalu benar.

Justru gue yang merasa bersalah .. Justru gue yang menyalahkan diri gue. Gue tahu lo marah. Dan gue menyesali bahwa keterlaluan sekali gue sudah membuat marah orang yang peduli.


Itulah sebabnya kenapa setiap kali kita ngobrol, selalu ada Ketua, maafin gue .. sebagai pembukaan dan Terima kasih. sebagai akhiran.
Sesuatu yang selalu lo pertanyakan dan gue cuma punya gagu atau diam untuk menjelaskan alasannya.


Dan .. Ada hal-hal yang mengungkung kita. Atau persisnya, ada hal-hal yang sengaja kita kurung.
Sesuatu itu membuat kita jadi seperti kucing dan anjing.
Sesaat bisa berantem. Diam-diaman seolah ngga kenal. Esok paginya bisa saling menyindir sarkas sambil tertawa. Esok sorenya bisa kembali mengobrol biasa. Kembali bercerita.
Karena apa? Karena ada sesuatu itu.
Sesuatu yang selalu terhenti di ujung lidah saat ingin diutarakan sehingga akhirnya kita cuma bisa bilang: Lo ngga tahu sih .. Duh gue sebenarnya pengen cerita, tapi kayaknya lo ngga usah tahu deh. Mungkin suatu saat gue akan bilang ..

Padahal kita sadar, kita sudah sama-sama tahu. Sama-sama merasa. Sama-sama paham.

Iya, meski kedengarannya aneh .. Tapi gue menikmati gaya kita untuk memahami. Maka biar, yang rahasia jadi rahasia. Yang perlu disimpan, disimpan saja.
Dengan begitu mungkin akan lebih melegakan jika suatu hari nanti kita menua dan cuma bisa duduk mengilas balik kenangan semasa di lembaga. Dengan begitu kita tidak perlu menyakiti lebih banyak hati.


So maybe,
gue bukan teman yang baik buat lo. Bukan juga sahabat. Bukan siapa-siapa.

What I'm trying to say is ..
Why we finally ended up complicated ..
Perhaps that is the best scenario ever for us to remember each other as special.


Cause I remember.

Princess In Training: Take insight about the political campaign

Okay. So .. There are things that I manage to do continously in order to make my dreams come true. Yeah, that dreams: Studying abroad in UK and become an expert in Molecular Biology.

I said, I always want it. I have wanted this since I was in elementary school, as twelve years has been passed.

You know, when we were a child back then, everything seems so cool and it's pretty normal when you had so many dreams at that time. Because children are ought to be dreamers. Like, you wanted to be a doctor and a police at the same time when you were in kindergarten, but the next year you forgot about the doctor and became fond of actor. Or you, as in my case, wanted to be an astronout after knowing that Earth is not the only one planet in the universe and Sun is the biggest star in our galaxy and those stars we see in the night sky are probably the biggest in other galaxies out there. Then I changed it year after, starting on planning to be an interior designer as I grew up as a neat, perfectionist, and everything-which-is-orderly-and-beautifully-designed lover. Finally, after changing dreams so many times, I decided to take interest in Molecular Biology right in eight grade.

Besides, I am a girl who raised by books. My parents, as I called them Ummi and Abi, bought me so many English-translated novels which clearly describe the nature, scenery, people, culture, history, and also buildings architecture of England. And yeah, since then .. you know. I've already said it: I seriously want it. You might have no idea how I live those dreams for many years.

That leads me to love learning English whatever it takes. I use to watch English documentary films when I don't have any assignment or organizational activities in order to enhance my listening and also speaking abilities. These days, I always use my free time to go to the library in my campus. There, I borrow some of English novels and literatures and also books about Molecular Biology.

One of the novels that I'd like to read is Princess Diaries. I know, it is an easy novel so usually I require 2-3 hours to accomplish. Differed from Agatha Christie's mystery novels wich take 2 days in particular or Pride and Prejudice which may take .. forever cause it's so difficult to comprehend.
But I don't care whether it's heavy or not, whether it's bold or minor: every book has uniqueness. And back to the topic, I love how the story goes which Mia brings me in. Consists of foolish mind of a growing-up princess, who consistently worries about everything that happened from the light issues up to the serious one, which is so ME.

Lately, I'd just read Princess Diaries Volume IV: Princess In Training where Mia forced being nominated as student body president by the time when she was strived for responsibility on environmental issue in her country. So she had to train herself, becoming a good leader and speaker, for her first political campaign.

"Give me your tired, your poor Your huddled masses yearning to breath free"
That's what it says on Statue of Liberty. That's the first thing millions of immigrants to this country saw when they stopped on its shores. A statement assuring them that into this great melting pot of a nation, all would be welcome, regardless of socioeconomics status, what color hair she has, who she might be dating, whether she waxes, shaves, or goes au naturel, or whether or not she chooses to play sports.

And isn't a school a melting pot unto itself? Aren't we a group of people thrown together for eight hours a day, left to fend as best as we can?

But despite the fact that we here at Albert Einstein are a nation unto ourselves, I don't exactly see us acting like one. All I see are a bunch of people who have split off into cliques for their own protections.. and who are totally afraid to let anybody new-any of the huddled masses, yearning to breath free-into their precious, selective little group.

Which totally sucks.

History has tried and rejected many formsof government over time, including governance of divine right, something this country abolished hundreds of years ago.

And yet for some reason, at this school, the divine right of governance still seems to exist. There's a certain set of people who seem to believe they an inherent right to office, because they are more attractive than the rest of usa-or better at sports-or get invited to more parties than we do.

These are people who are at the top of evolutionary ladder. The people with the nicest complexions. The people with the bodies that are shaped most like models we see in magazines. the people who always have the hottest new bag or sunglasses. The popular people. The people who want to make you wish you were more like them.

But I'm standing here before you today to tell you that i've been there. That's right. I've been to the popular side. And guess what? It's all a scam. These people, who act as if they have a right to govern you and me, are completely unqualified for the job due to the simple fact that they don't believe in the most fundamental precepts of our nation, and that's that we are ALL CREATED EQUAL. Not a single one of us better than any other person here. And that includes an princesses who might be in the room.

Look. I'm not going to stand up here and promise you a bunch of junk you and I both know I can't deliver.

Yeah, that's what I thought. There is a real problem in this school, and that's that for too long, a group of that's in minority has been making decisions for the majority. And that is just wrong.

Actually, it's more than just wrong. It's a total violation of the principles upon which this nation was founded. As the philosopher John Locke put it,
"Government is legitimate only to the extent that it is based on the consent of the people being governed."

Are you really going to give your consent to the previliged few to make decisions for you? Or are you going to entrust those decisions to someone who shares your ideals, your hopes, and your dreams? Someone who will do her very best to make sure YOUR voice, and not the voice of the so-called popular minority, is heard?

- HRH Princess Amelia Mignonette Grimaldo Renaldi Thermopolis, Princess Diaries Vol. IV: Princess In Training, page 265-268


In real life, we often hear many politicians (as well in campus organization scope) gave their constituent agreement and hope which likely ended up unoccupied. And I don't know why, even if it's like that, we people still believe in what they promise. Which is, for me, it's stupid: you know what they are talking about is useless or highly unreachable, but you still vote them to become your representative. I mean, they don't even mention about your necessity or your view-prospects. They only give attention to general things based on their idealistic opinion which they think it's the best. Come on, how can such people be our representative if they don't even care about our aspiration? How can such people be our representative when they only concern about their interests and they group?

Kecuali kalau, Kau benar-benar mencari ayahanda. Dan bertanya sungguh-sungguh: Mauku dan maumu apa?

Seperti berada di atas kapal yang terombang-ambing tanpa nahkoda.
Aku mual. Ingin keluar dari sini.

Sebetulnya kita ini apa?

Aku selamanya tidak percaya.
Kalau aku pantas untuk siapa,

Iya, aku penuh keraguan.
Penuh lubang.
Penuh segala hal yang buruk-buruk.
Aku sendiri tidak percaya,
Kalau suatu saat ada orang yang datang dengan penuh cinta,
Memintaku untuk menemani nahkoda.

Iya, aku sungguh sulit.
Sungguh aneh, sunggu rumit untuk sekadar ditebak.
Apalagi dimengerti.
Belum shalihah dan masih banyak kekurangan-kekurangan lainnya.

Sebetulnya kita ini apa?

Aku masih menganggapmu sebagai asing di persimpangan jalan.
Yang hanya bisa menunjuk,
Bukan sedia menuntunku berjalan.

Kecuali kalau,
Kau benar-benar mencari ayahanda
Dan bertanya sungguh-sungguh:
Mauku dan maumu apa?

Dalam Do'aku

Dalam doaku subuh ini kau menjelma langit yang semalaman tak memejamkan mata, yang meluas bening siap menerima cahaya pertama, yang melengkung hening karena akan menerima suara-suara

Ketika matahari mengambang tenang di atas kepala, dalam doaku kau menjelma pucuk-pucuk cemara yang hijau senantiasa, yang tak henti-hentinya mengajukan pertanyaan muskil kepada angin yang mendesau entah dari mana

Dalam doaku sore ini kau menjelma seekor burung gereja yang mengibas-ibaskan bulunya dalam gerimis, yang hinggap di ranting dan menggugurkan bulu-bulu bunga jambu, yang tiba-tiba gelisah dan terbang lalu hinggap di dahan mangga itu

Maghrib ini dalam doaku kau menjelma angin yang turun sangat perlahan dari nun di sana, bersijingkat di jalan dan menyentuh-nyentuhkan pipi dan bibirnya di rambut, dahi, dan bulu-bulu mataku

Dalam doa malamku kau menjelma denyut jantungku, yang dengan sabar bersitahan terhadap rasa sakit yang entah batasnya, yang setia mengusut rahasia demi rahasia, yang tak putus-putusnya bernyanyi bagi kehidupanku

Aku mencintaimu.
Itu sebabnya aku takkan pernah selesai mendoakan keselamatanmu

- Sapardi Djoko Damono, 1989, kumpulan sajak "Hujan Bulan Juni"

Sudah lama ya ..

ini aku. Kamu masih ingat?

Tentu saja. Kau, yang selalu menulis dengan bahasa yang tidak kumengerti. Yang suka menangis sambil mengetik tombol keyboard.

Hei, jangan coba bilang kalau aku jelek. Aku memang suka menangis, kau khan tahu?

Menangis membuatmu merasa hidup bukan?

Ya.
Tanda perasaanku ada dan belum hilang sepenuhnya.

...

Ada debu di wajahmu.
Sini biar kuusap, sudah lama sekali aku tidak melihat ketulusanmu.

Kau ini ya benar-benar ..
Apa kau mencoba menghilang dari dunia?
Sampai-sampai aku tidak tahu lagi muaramu.

Lihat baik-baik,
aku di sini.
Dan inilah muaraku.

Kau adalah aku.
Dan aku adalah kamu.